Howard Mosley-Chalk

2015-02-02T15:35:00.023Z

Image from 'The Last Few Pages' - Click to read excerpt

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2014-02-03T13:19:00.005Z

A Nice Review

2012-02-05T20:13:00.001Z

05/02/12

Someone has left a lovely review of the Five Stop Story Kindle ebook on Amazon, specifically mentioning my story 'Mirrors'. Have a look at the review (and buy the book) here.

Flash story to be published in print anthology

2012-01-06T14:58:00.000Z

06/01/12

A tiny wee story of mine by the name of 'George', which weighs in at exactly 100 words, is being published by Knightwatch Press in their forthcoming print anthology 'Tales for the Smallest Room'. Thats right, a book designed to be read on the toilet. And my work is in it. Looks like my mum was right, my stories are only fit for the bog.

The great thing is that the submission window for the antho is still open - go here to find out more and submit your own 100 word tale.

This will be the first actual print book my fiction has been published in. A good old fashioned book made from paper that you can hold. While pooing!!!! All my dreams are coming true.

Once published, an image link will appear on the right under 'anthologies'.

Story published on The Fiction Shelf

2011-12-22T15:32:00.001Z

22/12/11

It may not be a three book deal with Tor (as I hopefully speculated in my previous post) but 2011 still had something nice saved up for christmas. My short story 'The Lines' is being published by The Fiction Shelf, a relatively new site that not only lets readers read short fiction online but also download and keep in various ebook formats such as .pdf and .mobi.

'The Lines' is technically flash fiction, weighing in at a just under 1000 words. It's an urban fantasy peice that was inspired by the cycle path that ran outside of our place in York. I'd wanted to write something about it for a while (while at Uni I lovingly referred to it as 'rape alley') so glad the peice now has a home. Direct link to follow.

Five Stop Story Kindle Anthology available

2011-12-20T22:19:00.000Z

20/12/11

The first anthology from Five Stop Story, which includes my short story 'Mirrors', is now avaialble to download from Amazon's Kindle store here. There are 31 stories included in the ebook, in a range of genres and styles, and will set you back a trifling £2.29.

Perfect Christmas gift?

Is it possible to give an ebook as a gift? How would you wrap it? I suppose you could buy someone a Kindle, download the antho onto it and give them that. That will cost around a hundred pounds though. Don't do that.

It is my first anthology and I'm very glad to have made it into at least one this year. I've only been at this lark since January and happy to say I've chalked up one or two pleasing hits in way of getting work published. There's still eleven days of 2011 left however, so hopefully a three book deal with Tor rf Gallancz is still possible by then.

Anyway, download the book, enjoy the stories (whether you're on the tube or not - I'm never on the tube personally) and have a lovely festive time.

Short story in an E-book antho

2011-12-13T14:51:00.000Z

13/12/11

My short story 'Mirrors' which has previously been published on the Five Stop Story website and iPhone app has been chosen to be included in an E-book anthology. It will apparently be available just before christmas in the Kindle store. Better researched details to follow.

Thats good news. I like 'Mirrors' and its nice to finally have a story published in an antho - its not the one I really wanted though. Last month I discoverd to my joy that my story 'Henry the Eight-legged', a steampunk version of a scene from the often over-looked Shakespeare play Henry VIII, had made it to the final round to be included in an anthology of Steampunk short stories, all inspired by the bard's work. It was a great honour and compliment to have made it to the final few, but unfortunately on the day I was expecting an acceptance email I received that old familiar 'sorry, but your work doesn't fit with the other closen stories.'

Ah well.

At least the story, which sees three noble lords battling the evil Cardinal Wolsey, was a lot of fun to write and has inspired me to potentially expand it into a novel. Elizabethan Steampunk... we'll see.

I'm actually in Scotland right now. We moved up here three weeks ago to stay with my wife's father until we get our own place in Edinburgh. 2012 was supposed to be the year I concentrated on my novel 'Brigantia', an alternative history tale about religion (and robots), and at least get it to a first draft stage. Not too sure how that is going tp pan out now. Hopefully we'll get settled soon and I can start drawing inspiration from Scotland's capitol.

Apart from that, its the usual case of short stories all the over the place awaiting acceptance or decline from different journals, magazines, webites and competitions. Including one at Reader's Digest. I know, I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas.

Some things

2011-10-10T13:37:00.000+01:00

10/10/11

A photo I sent to Phil Wall's Project Photo Doodle website has been doodled on. It was a shot of central York taken from a plane in 2008 and I love what Phil has done to it.It represents exactly how I feel about the building in question. Check out the site at http://projectphotodoodle.blogspot.com/

Also, I film I was in a few months ago has won an award. 'The Bridge of Useful Shortcuts' (which can be viewed here) was made by Web Films York and was awarded a Certificate of Excellence in the Skyfest VI Festival. More info here.

And I received my first 'fan' mail. Seriously. I guy in the States really loved my Retrograde short story, published in Surprising Stories (link on right). Although the main thrust of the email was that he liked my description of Triton. I can only assume that he has been there.

I turned 30 the other day, and my daughter turned 1. Fun times.

Stories live in Starburst

2011-09-14T15:15:00.001+01:00

14/09/11

'Saphrael' and 'Fourth', two of my short stories, are now available to read in issue 370 of Starburst Magazine. Individual links to both stories are on the right, but the the whole original fiction section, containing other shorts and serialised novels, can be viewed here: http://www.starburstmagazine.com/features/original-fiction-writing

I'm also very happy with the accompanying artwork. It looks great, is suitable to the tone of the narratives and is the sort of stuff I would've used. Well done chaps. Hopefully I'll be doing more for Starburst in the future.

Two stories published in Starburst!

2011-09-12T13:09:00.001+01:00

12/09/11

Two of my short stories, 'Saphrael' and 'Fourth', are being published in the next issue of Starburst magazine.

I'm very happy, not only because Starburst is one of the leading UK sci-fi and fantasy review magazines, but also because those particular stories have finally found a home.

'Fourth' was the first ever sci-fi story that I wrote thinking 'yeah, might try and get this published', all the way back in early 2010. Since then it went through several rewrites and edits and I submitted it to a lot of people until finally Starburst accepted. Similar story with 'Saphrael' although I've always felt that it read more like the first chapter of novel, especially considering the amount of 'world-building' achieved within it. Both are fairly short at around 2000 words each. 'Saphrael' uses the 'c' word. I wonder in the editor will keep that in.

Starburst was formally a print magazine launched in 1978 and ran until 2009. It was relaunched as an online magazine earlier this year and releases a new issue on the 14th of every month. Go to http://www.starburstmagazine.com/ Link to the stories to follow.

Five Stop Story iPhone App live

2011-09-09T16:04:00.000+01:00

09/09/11

The Five Story iPhone App, which features my short story 'Mirrors', is now available to download from the App Store. For free. There's lots of other stories on there, so if you bend knee to worship Steve Jobs' genitals, please do download.

If you do, let me know if its any good. I've got an Android phone like all the other cool kids. Should be out on that platform as well soon apparently.

http://itunes.apple.com/uk/app/five-stop-story/id457549532?mt=8

Diagonal Proof Issue 3 out now

2011-09-08T09:29:00.000+01:00

08/09/11

The third issue of the quarterly literary journal 'Diagonal Proof' is now available in both print and as a downloadable PDF. In it you will find my short story 'His New Phone'.

I really like Diagonal Proof, a magazine that publishes not only hard Sci-fi and fantasy like a lot of them out there, but also those strange and weird tales, the slipstream stories that remind me of J. G. Ballard and David Lynch. I'm glad 'His New Phone' found a home there as I think it fits in quite well.

Its here: http://www.diagonalproof.com/Issues/Diagonal%20Proof%20Issue%203.pdf

Retrograde

2011-09-02T09:12:00.000+01:00

02/09/11

My short story 'Retrograde' has finally gone live on the Surprising Stories website.

Surprising Stories is an interesting ezine with an interesting aesthetic. Also, the artwork which has been provided to accompany my story, a dark, confusing, eerie tale, is quite interesting. I wasn't consulted on the artwork's choice, a fact I find interesting.

Only look at the words. http://surprisingstories.dcwi.com/retrograde.htm

Waiting

2011-08-31T16:19:00.000+01:00

31/08/11

Not much has happened this month. I'm waiting on a couple of stories to be published, hopefully soon, and I've written a few new ones. There are also several magazines and websites I'm waiting to hear back from, some more promising than others. Just so I have something new on the site for August, please enjoy a piece of flash fiction, annoyingly hidden behind the QR code on the right.

I've just discovered how to generate these and want to get some business cards made with a code on the front. And nothing else. What a dick I am.

Anyway, enjoy the flash, if you can.

Honorable mention in short-story competition

2011-07-13T12:51:00.001+01:00

13/07/11

A short story I entered in Five Stop Story's 'travel' themed competition has been given an honorable mention. This means it will be published on their website (www.fivestopstory.com) and also featured in their forth-coming mobile phone app. From their site:

“A ‘five stop story’ is a story you can read in five stops on the tube in London, or in about 10 minutes. In five stops, a short story can take you far away from your commute and into a fictional world. How far can your mind travel in five stops?

The five stop story project is an Arts Council and National Lottery funded initiative which connects new writers with a wide readership. We run regular short story competitions to discover a range of new voices in writing and we publish the winning stories on our website.”

The story I entered was ‘Mirrors’, an extract of which can be read here and the full version will have a link in the right hand column.

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Short story published

2011-06-23T12:58:00.000+01:00

23/06/11

Had another short story published. 'His new Phone', a story I wrote a few months ago, is about a man whose new mobile phone refuses to pinpoint his exact location, and instead leads him to an abandoned warehouse late at night. Quite apt that this story should be published now, as I've just bought a new phone myself. Fortunately it works fine and hasn't led me to a warehouse. For this I'm thankful; I'd hate to be a character in one of my own stories as they're rarely bright and cheery.

It's being published in a magazine called Diagonal Proof, a relatively new publication which you can have a look at here. Once available, the link will appear on the right.

All this has made me very happy.

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I'm in a short film

2011-05-26T16:54:00.001+01:00

26/05/11

'The Bridge of Useful Shortcuts' is a short film made by Web Films York who I have enjoyed working with in the past. The film, which can be viewed on the MyStreet Films website here, is being entered into that competition and also Virgin Media Shorts.

I love it because it is the screen début of my alter ego, Johann the South African scientist, who often haunts my dreams.

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Finally!

2011-05-21T08:40:00.000+01:00

21/05/11

Finally somebody has actually said 'yes, we'll publish your story!' Received an email late last night from the editor of 'Surprising Stories', a quarterly Sc-fi and fantasy ezine. They liked the story I submitted and will be publishing it in their September edition.

Yay.

The story I sent was 'Retrograde', a recently written story about a woman who wakes up on Triton, Neptune's largest moon, sitting in her car with no idea how she got there. Its not massive, at under 4000 words, and hopefully will fit in well with the other stories and poems on the site.

I've only been submitting work seriously since January, all the while writing as much as time will allow and trying my best to perfect and craft each story (with the help of my lovely Editor/Wife). To have a hit already is a fantastic sign and one that has filled me with confidence.

Hopefully some more of my short stories and novel pitches will be picked up before September, but at least I know that come the Autumn I will definitely have been published in somewhere other than the wall of my primary school.

As I said, Yay.

Still writing in someone else's world

2011-05-17T15:22:00.000+01:00

17/05/11

A while back I wrote a blog entry here about writing fiction for someone else's fantasy world. The finished product, a short story called 'The Orb', was unfortunately rejected from the publishing website, not due to the quality of the story itself but rather because, so says the editor, I'd taken a few too many liberties within the story. Because of that it was felt the story didn't fit into the existing canon of work on the website. Which basically means I didn't know the world well enough to write within it. Fair enough; I had at best skimmed the source novel and picked through the site itself for keywords etc. So, after trailing the net for other paying, established-world markets, I found one I'm more familiar with. Embarrassingly.

I began playing Warhammer table-top games when I was eleven, and the various board and role playing games saw me through my teens until I discovered both girls and poncing about on stage, aged 17. There was, unfortunately, no room for Space Marines, Orks, and a shoebox full of small pots of paint when you're trying to impress the ladies with a soliloquy. Still, for many years the mighty clashing of tiny lead figurines on my parents' dining room table was just about the only noise I made and I became engrossed in the rich worlds that the Games Workshop had created. I played and had armies for most of their games; Warhammer 40,000, Warhammer, Necromunda, Epic 40k, Space Hulk. I must have spent every penny of my pocket money during those years in building up a collection of tiny little soldiers, which I delicately and inexpertly painted, positioned into an 'exciting' formation on a shelf and then got promptly beaten in the actual games by my friend, and sole gaming sparring partner, Colin. Despite being a poor tactician, all this had a profound effect on me, and the Games Workshop, with their masculine, guns-a-blazing artwork and high-tech reimagining of mythological races, has in many ways influenced my writing.

The Black Library is the publishing arm of the Games Workshop; they churn out dozens of books a year set within the war torn galaxy of '40k', and between May and July, they accept submissions for new works. As theirs is a world I'm more familiar with, I've decide to pitch. Besides, they own me several thousand pounds of teenage pocket money and the years of my life when I should have been 'a real teenager'. Interestingly enough, the novel pith I'm making is based on an idea I originally had when I was 14. There might even have been a coloured-pencil illustration to support my idea - I'll ask my parents.

Unlike the story for thenightland.co.uk, this one needed zero research, bar the odd technical reminder. In fact, after starting just a week ago I've now completed two of the first three chapters which the Black Library requires. It's a really enjoyable process and it's fun to be 14 again, imagining a Space Marine bearing down on you, in the abandoned corridors of a derelict, alien infested space ship. WHATS FOR TEA, MUM?

Hopefully the ease at which this story is coming is a sign that the editors might be more receptive. But still it's a delicate balance between writing something new, interesting and attention-grabbing while balancing the appropriateness of the settings and conventions of that world. As before, I'll let you know how it goes.

One small piece of prep I did for this was to read an existing Black Library book, ‘Horus Rising’ by Dan Abnett. Not to sound snobbish, but it's hardly high literature: battle, something heroic, battle, something in space, battle... ad infinitum. Still, it is jolly good fun and exactly what I expected a novelisation of a game played by pubescent boys to be.

I liked being 14. The most important thing was the outcome of a roll of a dice.

On Turning 50

2011-05-03T12:20:00.001+01:00

03/05/11

We’ve made it. Aurally Fixated is officially fifty episodes old.

I thought it was worth making a note of as I’ve always held reaching the fiftieth episode as something of a milepost. Originally it would have come exactly fifty weeks from starting the podcast, way back in February of 2010, but what with family commitments and Steve and I having unpredictable schedules we have unfortunately been unable to keep it weekly.

It should also be mentioned that I have not been in every one of those fifty episodes, having three weeks off when my daughter was born in October. Steve however, has not only been present for all of Aurally Fixated’s fourteen month run but has also hosted all of Culturally Fixated’s twenty-something episodes and now has started his own solo project 'Fixated on Wrestling'. Busy chap.

The fiftieth episode, which is now available to stream from here, caused us to consider the past year and think about how the show has changed. We’ve always been very honest about Aurally Fixated and what the show is. Originally it was about the telling of stories and anecdotes, but quickly changed to be a more informal chat between two friends. I wouldn’t necessarily say it is a comedy podcast; we don’t script anything and for a (supposed) weekly show we never really try to be satirical or allow current affairs to drive the broadcast. It is quite simply an hour of banter; two mates trying to fill a silence with things that may amuse each other. Which is why Steve has more fun than me. SLAM DUNK!

My favorite period of the show’s life was probably at the height of last summer when, over the course of just a few episodes, we had musical comedy duo The Lomos, comedian Richard Massara, metal band Drowned In Flames and a really bizarre recording made with me in Cornwall and Steve in New York. It was also quite nice, after a slew of guests and odd recordings, to get back into the rhythm of just the two of us chatting to each other in a room. Not kissing.

These days Aurally Fixated is more about Steve and I catching up. Apart from the odd text message to arrange a time to get together, the recording of an episode is the only time we actually see each other. It makes for a very informal and relaxed listen and is always a pleasure to do. Hopefully that pleasure is apparent in the final cut.

All in all, it’s been interesting to document the past year of both our lives; a year that has seen us both change jobs and me magically transform into a parent. The show has represented these changes in many ways, evolving and altering to what we wanted, or could be bothered, to do with it.

Next stop Episode 100.

Visit the website www.aurallyfixatedpodcast.com, check out the links to past guests and then subscribe in iTunes. If you do, you’ll be able to download the full vocal version of our theme tune by American singer/songwriter Eddy Brennen.

Royal Wedding Apps - at last, a reason to own an iPhone

2011-03-30T12:27:00.000+01:00

30/03/11

My latest article, published on uglybaby.co.uk

Click to read article

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Writing in someone else’s world

2011-03-24T15:44:00.001Z

24/03/11

In my ongoing attempt to write professionally and earn real money, I’ve started to look for potential markets which may be more receptive to science-fiction short stories, namely those that actively promote an established author’s fantasy world. As previously mentioned in an article for Uglybaby.co.uk, I stumbled across an interesting website that is currently looking for short fiction submissions.

The Night land (www.thenightland.co.uk) is a site dedicated to, and slightly obsessed with, William Hope Hodgson’s 1912 novel of the same name. I’d never heard of Hodgson prior to finding the site, but have since learnt that he was a fascinating chap, who was not only a writer of adventure and sci-fi stories, but also a sailor and a body-builder who sadly died at Ypres in the First World War. The Night Land, his best known novel, and to which great praise and recognition was awarded by H. P. Lovecraft, is quite possibly one of the oddest and most difficult books I have ever read.

Quite simply the story is written in the first person, narrated by an unnamed character from the 18^th century who, in a dream, experiences life several million years in the future. In that future the sun has died and the remnants of humanity live in a seven mile high pyramid called The Last Redoubt. They are besieged by ‘the terrors of the Night Land’; strange monsters and giants that endlessly stare at the pyramid, daring the humans to venture out into the barren earth. The language the character uses to describe this macabre world is of an eighteenth century gentleman, but written by an early twentieth century writer. It makes for an odd and often frustrating read.

Still, faults with the style aside, it is an incredible story set within an incredible world. Hodgson explores it fully; the first (proper) chapter being set upon the top of the mighty pyramid and allows the dream-character to describe in great detail what he can see across the dark and terrifying land. The website uses this to great effect, with maps and timelines of this future world expanding upon the book and making Hodgson’s vision of our dystopian future a lot clearer for the reader.

William Hope Hodgson

The afore-mentioned timeline, that cheerily details exactly how mankind meets its end, contains links to short stories written by fans of the book and sets them chronologically from our time all the way to the end of the universe. It states that they are currently open to submissions. So I’m having a go. It is however, proving harder than first predicted.

My own writing tends to be set within worlds that are of my own creation. I like it this way and think it to be the great benefit of writing science-fiction – absolutely anything is possible as there are no rules. Clearly Hodgson believed this too, as ‘The Night Land’ read likes a great stream of ‘what ifs’. Yet a writer creating a new story set within someone else’s rule-less world is, ironically, to be bogged down with many rules; far more than a writer of conventional fiction might be.

In creating his world, a world which of course differs greatly from our own (although I hear there’s a two mile tall monster just outside Manchester that stares at people on the M62), Hodgson needed to establish lots and lots of rules and conventions and present them to the reader for he or she to better understand where the story is set. Therefore it is necessary to consider a long list of ‘there needs to be...’ if contemplating expanding upon the near-century old novel.

My first thought was to completely disregard many of the rules of Hodgson’s world and to focus on a single element that had inspired me to write (other than the possibility of payment). The Watchers, those giant beasts that for millions of years have sat upon the barren landscape and silently stared at the Pyramid, were just too eerie not to explore and so I set out a story about one of them. I soon realised that what I had written, although a fairly interesting tale, did not seem to tie in to the cannon of work produced by other, more experienced writers on the website. I realised that a piece like mine not only had to confirm to the basic rules of the established fantasy world, but also to the themes of the original novel. Without doing so the reader would not have anything to which the work could be related. More importantly the publisher would not be able to see how the story fits into the grand scheme of the collection’s fiction, and therefore less likely to publish.

So I discovered that the key to writing something like this was, in a way, akin to completing a dot-to-dot. The dots are the anchors, the pieces of information that cannot be ignored and that are necessary to set a story in an established world. The lines between the dots are where a writer can lay the foundations of the new story and find freedom to add to the mythology. Hopefully, once all the dots are joined up, the picture will resemble something familiar but with a fresh and interesting narrative.

Does that make sense? I liked the dot-to-dot metaphor twenty minutes ago; not sure now.

Anyway, creating the story has been a great exercise in writing for a very specific audience. When one writes sci-fi and slipstream fiction it is often easy to imagine your target audience, like it can be if writing for any kind genre. The only people who will (hopefully) read this story is a small group of niche literary enthusiasts; fans of a relatively unheard of, hundred year old novel that they know inside and out. Terrifying.

I’ll let you know.

Latest episode of Aurally Fixated online now

2011-03-20T17:08:00.001Z

20/03/11

Click to visit site and stream audio

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Cox on the Box - An Article

2011-03-18T09:47:00.003Z

18/03/11

Click to read article

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Robo-racism - why it's ok

2011-03-10T12:51:00.002Z

10/03/11

Click to read article

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Episode 46 of Aurally Fixated now online

2011-02-25T09:48:00.003Z

25/02/11

This week on the show we discussed an illegally parked tank, a crazy Mexican royalist and the possibility of a Jelly Mine. Imagine a cave-in in that mine... brilliant. As always Aurally Fixated is free, funny and completely unscripted.

Click logo to visit website.

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Article published on Uglybaby.co.uk

2011-02-24T14:11:00.002Z

24/02/11

'I'm Not Loving It - McDonald's and the things they promise us'

Click this to read it

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New article and new episode

2011-02-14T13:04:00.003Z

14/02/11

An article of mine has been published on Uglybaby.co.uk here: http://www.uglybaby.co.uk/?p=7894

Its about the Pope. I've been holding off writing something about religion for a while now but felt the newly released iPhone confessional app needed a mention. A sarcastic, aggressively satirical and militantly atheist mention.

Also newly online is Episode 45 of Aurally Fixated entitled A Lack of Wisdom. Have a listen here: http://www.aurallyfixatedpodcast.com or search the iTunes store to subscribe and download.

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New article published on uglybaby.co.uk

2011-02-07T15:19:00.003Z

07/02/11

Another article of mine has been published on Ugly Baby, a creative community website. This one is all about my feelings toward eReaders and eBooks and can be found here: http://www.uglybaby.co.uk/?p=7746

Ugly Baby is great website and one I discovered purely through Twitter. I just wish it wasn't called Ugly Baby as every time I tell someone I've got a regular spot there, they assume it has something to do with my own baby. Perhaps they think it is a website where the parents of unattractive children get together and offer mutual support. Its not, its actually a very cool site to network and read articles on many creative subjects. And daft shit from me.

It also allows me to flex my Photoshop muscles and produce header banners for my articles such as the one below. I like Photoshop. I want to Photoshop real life sometimes.

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Tron (1982)

2010-12-15T12:26:00.004Z

This was written way back in 2005 for the 70mm Festival at City Screen York. I have reproduced it here in excited anticipation for the forth-coming release of Tron Legacy. Enjoy.

TRON (1982)

A Review

Skegness, 1989…

As headache inducing icy rain blasts the beaches and over-priced fairground rides are blown away, a younger version of this writer seeks refuge in the Promenade Arcade hoping to find some entertainment for at least an hour and relieve himself of a stock pile of 20p’s which have been burning a hole in his pocket all week. He stumbles upon a game called ‘Tron’ in which one must navigate around an arena in some kind of futuristic ‘light cycle’, eliminating enemies with a laser trail left in ones wake.

‘Fantastic!’ I eventually declare, and attract the attention of my father.

‘Tron?’ he says, leaning over my quivering shoulders, ‘that’s a film as well; I think I’ve got it on video. It’s rubbish.’

‘It’s a film as well?’ I ask, excitement gripping my very being. Could something this good really have been based on a film that probably had boring bits and people kissing in it? (I was eight). ‘Can I watch it?’

‘Of course you can.’ answered father, starting a game of ‘Whac-attack’.

‘Can I have more 20p’s please, dad!?!’

Some days later and I’m wetting myself with joy as I watch my dad’s taped-off-the-telly copy of ‘Tron’ the movie. Even the constant interruptions of adverts announcing the MFI Boxing Day sale could not lessen the event of watching this film for the first time aged eight, an experience akin to a first time ‘Star Wars’ viewing.

‘Tron’ sees our hero Flynn (Jeff Bridges), a computer hacker and game expert, get accidentally converted into a digital signal and beamed into a computer world. He’s forced into the role of a game-sprite where he must do battle in gladiatorial contests for the glory of the ‘programmers’, the god-like entities who control this digital world (who are actually spoilt brats in Skegness). He joins with Ram (Dan Shor) and Tron (Bruce Boxleiner) whose programmer Alan Bradley is on a mission to use Tron to destroy an evil computer programme called the MCP. All he has to do to cause the programme to crash is download information from his data disc, which looks suspiciously like a Frisbee. Great.

From a technical point of view, Tron is significant as it was one of the first films to use completely computer-generated images and characters and director Steven Lisberger was one of the first to have to direct both actors and computer effects specialists through a scene which would combine elements of both. Whereas the aforementioned Star Wars employed model work and stop-motion photography to achieve dramatic space battles, Tron used only CGI and to great effect: It is now industry standard. How would George Lucas have been able to create Jar Jar Binks without fore-runners like Tron?

Then again…?

I suppose clever film people like yourselves are wondering what this film is really about and what it primarily deals with. The simple answer is frisbees. This is a film about the widespread introduction of Frisbees onto the world’s toy market during the late 1970’s. This would lead to high levels of facial injuries, jumping dogs (see ‘Flight of the Navigator’) and embarrassed grandparents.

I used to have a Frisbee that looked like a pizza and one day I accidentally threw it into a lake. A swan tried to eat it. That’s how realistic it was and I think Tron reflects that struggle very well.

Or…

It could possibly comment on the growth of digital technology in the early 80’s and fears arising from that. Flynn and Tron are hunted down by Sark (David Warner), the MCP’s hit-man, who is intent on the modernisation of all computer technology. It also rings-home with the issues of the present day and concerns about multi-national corporations and the power they posses; Dr, Gibbs (Barnard Hughs) is portrayed as the aging traditionalist pushed out of the company he founded by power hungry execs.

The MCP is a computer programme with apparent artificial intelligence to an extent where it gives orders out to actual human characters who seem to fear it’s wrath. It is this question of intelligence in computer software that is the key to understanding the meaning of Tron; the sprites wander around the game-field making their own decisions and attempt to break free of their virtual prison. Technology has been humanized and personified to the extent that two separate programmes (supposedly just a collection of 1’s and 0’s) can feel love for one another.

1984’s ‘Terminator’ and 1999’s ‘The Matrix’ were about similar ideas of technological revolutions (only they went crazy and killed people) the basis of that fear being the underlying meaning of Tron.

That and Frisbees. Yeah, Frisbees.

Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986)

2010-11-24T16:58:00.004Z

A Review

This film came out in 1986 and made me laugh. I was only 5 at the time so didn’t understand some of the more adult jokes. A repeat viewing in 1998 remedied this.

The best thing about this film is Steve Guttenberg as he is the funniest one of them all. Some say that the black man who does all the noises is the best one, but he isn’t. I also really like the really tall one who is black and the little squeaky woman. She is black as well. I didn’t notice this because I’m a racist. Just an observation.

I like Steve Guttenberg because he is believable as a policeman and nice to watch. It is a shame that by the third film he was getting bored playing that character and I think this was his last Police Academy movie. That is a shame because he is my favorite. He was also my favorite man in Three Men and a Baby, even though Ted Danson was in it and he was in Cheers with Kristy Ally who was in Star Trek 2 with William Shatner who was in the old Star Trek. Which was on after Neighbors.

The best bits are when there is fighting and shooting. Nobody gets killed though because I think it is a family film. That is a bad thing because Predator was released the same year and that’s got loads of killing. That’s got Arnie in it. He is good and was in a film where he was a teacher and the kids had a proper go at him. It was funny because he’s massive and kids aren’t.

A really funny bit in Police Academy 3 is when the chief policeman gets his eyebrows shaved off. It is funny to see. He goes right mad, he does and looks daft. Not what you’d expect a police chief to look like.

There are no boobies in it.

Three out of five stars.

Let Us Destroy Maths

2010-11-22T16:10:00.002Z

‘No,’ I said, ‘don’t wanna’.

‘Come on’, said my GCSE maths teacher, leering down over 16 year old me, ‘you need to at least a C grade in your maths exam or nobody will take you seriously in later life’.

‘Serious?’ I said, slowly narrowing my eye lids and reaching into my schoolbag. ‘How’s this for serious?’

Pulling the samurai sword from its hiding place in one lightening fast movement, I leapt to my feet, lashed out with the blade and severed the teacher’s head. It fell, still with smug expression, against the blackboard and left a slimy red splatter over

‘Is that serious enough for you?’

I spat on his corpse, leapt through the nearest window and ran out onto the roof of the drama department.

As I left the scene I heard one of my classmates utter ‘Now I can’t see the sums’.

I’d be back for that little shit.

\/\/\/\/

That never actually happened. Well, it did up until the end of the second sentence; what really happened next was an almighty sigh from young, floppy-haired Howard, followed by a pointless and painful hour-long lesson in which I stared uselessly at the likes of

and

In the end I did amazingly achieve that C grade at GCSE, but only because my parents, fearing the worse, hired a private maths tutor to come to the house every Tuesday evening. I quite liked him and generally listened to what he said, but only because he was related to Prof. Richard Holmes, TV historian.

So yeah, I did not like maths.

Of course I didn’t; I’m cool. Seriously, I am. If you know me and think ‘mmm, Howard’s not really that cool: he likes Boris Johnson and wears tank tops’, you are wrong. I am super-hip cool. Man.

The main reason for my Mega-Cool-Dude™ status is this: I strongly believe we should remove maths from the national curriculum. Boot it out, right out! Here’s why I think it would be a smashing idea:

1, It is useless.

Really it is. What practical application does algebra have in the modern world? We do not need to know what the square root of anything is, unless of course you work in a job which requires such knowledge – which unfortunately means you are a dick.

2, It is boring.

Kids get bored in maths lessons and a bored mind does not learn anything. The only thing I learnt in maths lessons was how to make it appear I was doing maths (when actually I was perfecting my designs for paper aeroplanes). I still don’t know why it says ‘sin’ on a scientific calculator.

3, It discourages the love of learning.

I love learning new things; the only reason I listened to my maths tutor was because I hoped he’d mention something interesting his brother had told him about the Somme. If kids get bored and depressed at school they will come to associate that place with negativity; as a place where bad things happen.

School was great; there were stories about Vikings, models of dinosaurs, papier-mâché covered balls to represent planets, climbing ropes that dangled from the ceiling and hydrogen-filled balloons to explode. It was a place of wonderful magic and discovery... until the sums came out. A maths lesson would not only ruin the afternoon but also my experience of an educational institution. By the age of 13 I had decided to leave education at the earliest opportunity, so fed-up was I with being bored by daily mathematics.

Fortunately, I stuck around until University, having been told by a procrastinating supply teacher that I had the opportunity to study what I liked from A Level onwards. Out went maths; English, Theatre and Media studies remained while in my spare time I read lots of history books. From then on there was no boredom, no painful resignation, no frustrated scribbling of

and no decapitated maths teachers (in my mind).

‘Oi’, says you, ‘what about the fact that everything in the universe can be expressed with numbers?’ So what? Everything can also be expressed in a poem and I’d prefer a poem on my headstone than an equation.

‘But I quite liked maths!’ Aw, did you? Did you like maths because there was either a right or a wrong answer; there was no grey area. However, opinion lives in the grey areas; the grey area is fun place to be despite its name. Which would you prefer to discuss: A, ‘Is there a God?’ or B...

So let’s try it: let’s stop teaching maths to the kids. I’m going to write a letter to my MP. I’ll let you know how it goes.

‘Isaac Newton In A Shed’ (1954)

2010-11-10T12:13:00.004Z

A Review.

I first saw this film when I was at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary. A bunch of us got together and watched it on video in the athlete’s village while throwing bananas at the German bobsleigh team.

It tells the story of astronomer Isaac Newton and how in 1676, shortly after being rudely assaulted on the noggin by a malicious apple, he entered a period of deep depression.
Newton (played marvellously by a suspiciously clean James Stewart) retires to a shed in North Wales in the hope of coming to terms with his recent gravitational revelation, and maybe play a few rounds of golf. While there however he becomes trapped within the shed, besieged by a really nasty dog that just won’t stop barking and trying to bite his toes. With nothing better to do he goes mad, the kind of mad that isn’t funny to watch. Trapped in a delusional world of apples, crazy dogs and really big sums, will our hero unlock the secrets of the cosmos or just dribble himself to death?

Released in 1954 to a barrage of criticism about the films depiction of a dog attacking a well-known historical scientist, director Herbert Monty was hounded by the press and even certain high-ranking bishops within the church, until he produced a documentary that preceded the film in cinemas. The piece, entitled ‘Look, I’m really sorry but…’ was an interesting insight into other canine-bothered scientists throughout history, focussing largely on an event in the 30’s involving Albert Einstein and a poodle with only three legs. Monty managed to silence his critics with this and also went on to pioneer the first ever ‘director’s commentary’; he stood in the auditoria of every screening of the film and talked loudly to sound engineer Thomas Ralf, mainly about harbouring homosexual feelings for Stewart during filming.

All in all, it isn’t a bad film and Stewart’s performance is truly inspired, deservedly being nominated for ‘Best Actor’ at that year’s Oscars. The dog however was a little disappointing and I couldn’t agree with Monty’s decision to play the role himself, all dressed in rags and dead ferrets; completely unconvincing.

The films primary message about always having a second exit out of a shed is reinforced with constant references to David Flan’s 1934 book ‘Always Have A Second Exit Out Of A Shed, Chris’, and proves to teach us quite a lot about something like that.

If you do catch this film take a minute to consider this: would anyone really care if you were trapped in a shed?

Four out of five stars.

Good 3D? Surely not...

2010-07-14T22:48:00.003+01:00

I went to see a Shrek film the other day. I didn't want to, I wanted to see Predators (and watch Adrian Brody be 'tough') but I was reviewing the film for BBC Radio York and it was the only thing on at the cinema with whom we have a free ticket deal. So I went.

Plot: Shrek got wife. Shrek got kids. Shrek should be happy. Shrek not happy. Shrek want to be Ogre again. Shrek make deal with midget. Midget con Shrek. Shrek never born. Far Far Away land all evil with witches knocking about and midget as king. Shrek got just one day to make wife love him again. Shrek do it. Shrek win. They sing. Yay!

It was alright. The Shrek films are at best described as "alright". Don't get me wrong, to kids and idiots they are the funniest things ever, but I've never been one to lower my critical standards just because the masses are giggling all around me in the cinema. If anything it galvanises that snobbish twat in me with A Degree In Film to be harsher and even more unforgiving. Actually my degree was in Film, Theatre and Television so that allows me to be a twat about all three subjects whenever I choose. So watch it.

As I said, it was alright and to be honest I quite enjoyed it (which is basically what I said on air, the recording of which can be found on the 'Radio' page on the right) but the most striking thing about the film was the effective use of the 'Real 3D'.

'Real 3D' is this decades attempt to reinvigorate the 'stop/start' tendencies of 3D in cinemas. The most notable recent exponent, and the main reason why cinema-goers are now all clad in daft glasses, was James Cameron's 'Avatar'. I liked Avatar and was genuinely absorbed in the story when I saw it back in December of last year - for all of the movie's 17 colourful hours (apparently Cameron is such a genius that nothing he ever commits to film should find itself on the edit room floor. Fact.) but the 3D left me feeling dizzy, confused and a little bit sick. Watching real human actors in 3D, even the mostly CGI ones, was unsettling and I felt my enjoyment of the cinematic spectacle had been severely marred. I blamed me; I'd known for some years that I have a slight astigmatism in my left eye - perhaps that had caused the nausea?

However, after watching 'Shrek Forever After 3D' I am now certain that it all comes down to what your brain thinks it is looking at. Cartoon characters with their big fleshy shapes, smooth edges and large features work very well in 3D. Sigourney Weaver does not. Because I knew I was watching something false, something 'untrue', my brain was able to accept it all easier and the 3D was far more effective. Even with a dodgy eye - I could never be a fighter pilot, apparently. Sob. So if you want to experience a 'Real 3D' film that actually works, go and see Shrek.

Did I just say that?

Now that we know that 3D works, and works in full colour, how will it influence the cinema and home entertainment of the future? Hopefully, not a lot. I cannot speak for you, dear dear reader, but I do not relish having unnecessary things on my face (ok, girls? tee hee). Wearing glasses in general is something I’ve always frowned upon. Sorry speckies. That is, after all, the major flaw with 3D at present; it only works by sporting a pair of horrid glasses and that requires real commitment by the viewer. Watch a 'Real 3D' film without the goggs and after five minutes you'll throw up over the neck of the person in front of you and, certain you must be very drunk, proceed to call all of your ex's and tell them you've been thinking about them lately. Disaster.

I hate to wear glasses, especially expensive ones. According to Currys the glasses needed for the new home 3D TVs can cost as much as £200! That's about as much as a designer pair of real prescription glasses but you can't wear them out on the street. Well you could, but you'd look like a gang member from an 80's teen film. You're nickname would be '3D' or 'Goggles' or 'Shades'.

Such commitment and expense would not suit the majority of people who, if we choose to ignore the dollar-crazed ramblings of James Cameron, just want to sit down and watch a film. Without looking like a knob.

I do believe, however, that 'Real 3D' will be a great success in one particular area of visual home entertainment: porn. Imagine the possibilities...? Somebody committed and dedicated to getting the most out of a private session of onanism would definitely forego the embarrassment of looking like Joe-90 for twenty minutes and pop on a pair of sex-specks. If Shrek's head, a round smooth object, looks good in 3D, so would boobs. Get it sorted.

Remember to remove the glasses 'afterwards' though, lest the wife return and ask, seeing you with a 'Debbie Does Dallas in 3D' branded headset on your mug, "Get up to anything interesting tonight, darling?"

An Ode to Vampires

2010-07-02T21:34:00.008+01:00

Where did it all go wrong?

In the past a film about vampires was a film about horror itself, the fear of the enemy within. After all, is a vampire nought but a human devoid of a soul, of purity, of decency? Terror was vampire and those who went to see a movie about them would surely be terrified. Time was a good vampire flick guaranteed the viewer of at least 90 minutes of wall to wall gore, blood, frights and (if lucky) boobs.

Boobs are certainly something viewers of the new cinematic release in the Twilight series ‘Eclipse’ will see, as it opens for previews tonight and across the UK next week. Unfortunately the nips in question belong to teenage boys.

Its easy to lambaste the diehard (or twihard) fans of the vampiric romance series, just as it is easy to sarcastically pick away at anyone who whole-heartedly dedicates themselves to a media product best described as ‘poor’, but I don’t really mind. Its not the swooning of teenage girls and the desperate shouts and screams of middle-aged woman when Robert Pattison is spotted on the street that annoys me; after all the story is a romance, a tale of a girl who falls in love with the wrong boy. Females are going to like that. Sorry to generalise, but you all do. The thing that really gets my goat (and beats it to death with its own severed leg) is the fact that all this hysteria is being piggy-backed by the sci-fi/fantasy genre; a genre close to my heart.

And its spreading. A trip to Waterstones the other day had me stumbling across a new section next to the science fiction department: Fantasy Romance. Fantasy Romance?

Yes, Fantasy Romance.

Think about it. Think about all the different departments in your local book store. Ok, there’s usually General Fiction, Crime, History, Children’s, Art, Health, Biography, Reference, Education, some others and the afore-mentioned Sci-Fi and Fantasy – oft visited by I. Think of any book you’ve read in your life and the chances are it will conveniently sit comfortably within one of those categories. But apparently the need is so great, the scope is so high and plentiful that the good and studious people at the Ministry For Book Shops And That have added a new section, for Fantasy Romance. Fantasy Romance?

Yes, Fantasy Romance.

How was that decided? ‘Right chaps, we’re getting lots of new authors jumping on the band wagon of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series and writing their own take on supernatural love? Any thoughts?’

‘Well I suppose they are stories about vampires, so bung them in with all the other fantasy stuff. People will find them all there.’

‘But remember, these books are mostly read by woman and teenage girls who have only just discovered their vaginas. Are we sure they’ll be able to find them amongst all the other fantasy titles?’

‘Good point; I’ve heard that girls tend to steer clear of the sci-fi/fantasy section and remember these books don’t leave a great deal to the imagination and science fiction is designed to make people think.’

‘Thinking is one thing these ladies are not looking to do.’

‘Right, new section: Fantasy Romance.’

‘Fantasy Romance?’

‘Yes, Fantasy Romance. Job done.’

So an entire new genre has been created. Happy now? I for one, am not. I fear a pollution of my preciously held notion of what a vampire should be, what it should stand for. Lets look back to the first mention of such a creature in literature, Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Dracula, the mysterious eastern European Count that charms his victims into loyal servitude and feeds on their life-force; an unstoppable terror that ravished Victorian London. No body glitter there. Perhaps it is the raw sexual powers of the vamps that has been hijacked; the power to command, to enslave and dish out physical pleasure like a naïve Philipino masseuse. Meyer seems to have taken that, removed the dark and interesting elements and pitched it in the guise of an angst-ridden and innocently put-upon teenage boy. Coz that’ll shift books.

There have been many interpretations of vampires across the years, from Stoker’s mystical foreign gentleman with the power to transform into animals, to 2009’s Day Breakers which saw the entire human population turn all fangy and take a shot of blood with their macchiato in the morning. My favourite version of the legend has to be that found in the Blade films, where vampirism is an aggressive virus transmitted from person to person via the saliva, making those infected essentially drug addicts, employing violence and organised crime to secure their next hit of blood. In those films (and subsequent TV series that didn’t do very well) the only defence the human race had against the vampires was a man who was himself half vampire. They couldn’t be tamed by the supposedly pretty face of Kristen Stewart and the promise of a hand-job in the woods. Proper vamps.

Poor sci-fi. Once you were the proud producer of films such as Alien, but now you are condemned to be forever synonymous with slushy drivel. What’s next? Will the new Judge Dread film feature the one-man judge, jury and executioner playing with a kitten for two hours? Will the proposed Ridley Scott Alien prequel feature several popular show tune covers (I vote for ‘I’ve Got You Under My Skin’)? Will Avatar 2 predominantly be a story about namby-pamby environmentalism and how we should all be respecting our planet? Oh, wait a minute…

Maybe all this is Sesame Street’s fault. I hate to count.

Switch it off, switch it back on again.

2010-06-26T20:40:00.001+01:00

That’s what they say isn’t it? The IT bods, the computer whizzes, the M&S easy-iron shirt clad nerdy boys in the computer department of your office. “Problem with your computer? Try switching it off and switching it back on again.” It usually and surprisingly works, but I’ll come back to that.

Those eight simple words of advice are the entire premise on which the channel 4 sitcom ‘The IT Crowd’ is based, returning as it did to our screens for yet another series last night. When it started back in 2006 there was quite a lot of excitement as the writer was one half of the ‘Father Ted’ creative team, Arthur Mathews. Whereas his ex-partner Graham Lineham went on to create the marvellously funny and inventive ‘Black Books’ with Dylan Moran, Mathews decided to base an entire sitcom around one joke. In the first episode the character of Roy, played by Irishman Chris O’Dowd, picks up his office phone and says without pausing “Hello, IT department. Have you tried switching it off and switching it back on again?”

‘Ha!’ declared a nation, ‘That’s what they say, isn’t it? Ha! I can relate to that. Ha!’ That was four years ago. Surely we’re all bored of it by now?

Part of the appeal of the first series wasn’t just that it was Mathews’ latest project but also that it would feature Chris Morris in an acting role. The fact that the ‘King of Media Terrorism’ agreed to do it, and do it straight off of the back of a partnership with Charlie Brooker which gave us the excellent yet oft-overlooked ‘Nathan Barley’, amazed me. He was rubbish. I felt disappointed by something that Chris Morris was involved with and knew that somewhere in the world a group of fairies had all just dropped down dead. He essentially played his Ted Maul character from ‘The Day Today’/’Brass Eye’ but it fell flat on its face, as did in the second series (acting as Morris’ replacement) Matt Berry’s use of his ‘Garth Meringhi’ persona, Dr. Sanchez. Two otherwise great performances had failed due do a script which would be at home in a 1970’s Saturday morning children’s show. And yet it’s back. Go Channel 4!

(at least they’ve axed Big Brother. I’ll be tuning in to the final episode just to watch Davina McCall cry as she looks ahead to her career and sees that it is as empty and as vacuous as she is).

But this is not a post about ‘The IT Crowd’, sorry. I really wanted to say something about the recent download and update that Apple has offered all its iPhone users. Really sidetracked there, sorry.

I own an iPhone. My mate and co-host of Aurally Fixated Steve calls it a Twat Phone. I’ve pointed out to him that isn’t funny or clever, yet he persists. I was very much looking forward to the new update, or iOS 4 as it has been named (stick an ‘i’ before anything and it apparently appeals to 18 – 40 year olds). I was promised new and exciting features and functionality such as multi-tasking (no longer the prized possession of women), folders to tidy up my home screen of all those fart noise apps, threaded mail to allow me to group together all those emails saying “thank you for applying, but unfortunately on this occasion…” and the ability to put a pretty picture behind all my apps. Wow, thanks Uncle Steve.

Disappointment. As a 3G owner I discovered (after a 4 hour download and install time) all I get is folders, threaded mail and a rubbish zoom on the rubbish camera. Oh, and a phone that now jitters, stops and starts itself like an innocent man being led to the gas chamber.

The morning after the install I (SHOCK AND HORROR) attempted to read an email. It froze then crashed. Later, after restarting I tried to (HORROR AND SHOCK) make a call. It froze, panicked then crashed. Annoyed, I scoured the Internet for advice and discovered that every other 3G user seemed to have had the same problem and that many were now looking to reinstall the old operation system. I got some advice from another chap’s blog: “Switch it off, switch it back on again”. Genius. It got me thinking if other problems could be solved this way? Feeling ill? Simply switch yourself off and have a friend standing by with a defibrillator to switch you back on again. Illness cured.

Please don’t take that as permission to go around ‘switching off’ people on the street. That is called murder.

In the last couple of days I’ve read that the super new model, the iPhone 4, gets really bad reception if the bottom right hand side of the phone is covered, meaning left-handed people will have difficulty. The afore-mentioned Charlie Brooker tweeted: “Fear not, left-handed iPhone users: Apple will solve the issue by forcibly injecting your brain with a new OS that turns you right-handed.”

Defibrillators standing-by.